My Life With Severe Anxiety

So, I've been wrestling with if I should post this or not.

I don't want to look like I'm whining.

Or complaining, hypochondriacking (sp?), etc...

But I realize that I never updated you on a bunch of things that were going on before...

Okay, so remember when I was talking about that weird dizziness/fuzzy-headedness I was having?

It was so bad that I couldn't even drive.

It went away for awhile....but now it's back and I majorly hesitate before going anywhere (where I would have to drive)...and even then, it's really just on an almost-emergency basis.

I blamed a multitude of other things: black mold, electronic meters...remember that?

My inner ears and jaw were beginning to ache.

I began thinking that I had a brain tumor or something.



I know, it sounds hilarious and super dramatic. But I'm totally serious. I mean, what would YOU think if you started being so dizzy and lightheaded that you couldn't drive and then it was combined with pain in your ear and whatnot?

Well, months ago, I ended up getting an email from a wonderful friend, Danielle, from my Sunday School class. She had been reading my blog and something about my posts resonated with her.

She delicately explained how she had been through strikingly similar things....right down to the fuzzy-head and thinking she was dying...her doctor even sent her in for some serious testing...but it turns out it was severe anxieties.

I don't know if Danielle will ever know how much she changed my world for the better.

One morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom, (sorry TMI...but you probably have gone to the bathroom a time or two, also) and realized that I was unconsciously clenching my jaw. Tightly. That had to explain why my head, jaw and ears were aching so much: I had been clenching my teeth in my sleep without realizing it!

I went and bought some Hylands Nerve Tonic from Walmart (of all places) and began taking it.

Within a few days, I noticed that the dizziness was subsiding partially.

That had to mean something, right???

I began taking it regularly and trying to relax. Not think that something was terminally wrong with me, that it was just stress playing tricks on my mind.

And things got a whole lot better!

The dizziness/weird feeling all but disappeared!

My jaw/ears/head stopped aching!!

I stopped thinking that I was dying every 10 minutes. Seriously. I know that sounds funny and borderline crazy...but that's the level I was at. Monthly breast exams? Nah, dude, I was giving myself a breast exam 2-3 times...a day. 

I have never had this bad of an issue with anxieties before. This was horrific. Many times, my kids or Antonio found me huddled on the floor, sobbing.

I mean, to put it into perspective: imagine that you knew you were dying. 100% knew it. You were leaving your kids, your husband, your entire life behind. Imagine the grief. The worry. The fear. THAT is exactly how I felt.

But when I began feeling relief and could actually see that it was all in my head (in a manner of speaking), I was able to relax more. Which helped. I mean, it sounds soooo simplistic, but it's the truth.

Now, with all of the moving-to-a-new house stuff going on and the kids fighting non-stop because they are hot and were tired of being cooped up in the trailer and aren't occupied with school stuff, it's starting to come back. All of the drama, sadness, cruelty on Facebook was bogging me down, too. That's one reason I left. I don't have time for petty crap.

I am trying to refrain from freaking out about health issues.

I've been clenching my teeth at night again.

Like I mentioned earlier, my head has begun the spinny/lightheaded thing again.

My throat closes on me when I'm eating.

I bought some more Nerve Tonic (this is not a sponsored post, yo...the stuff just works for me)...and I take it when I remember. (GAH! My memory SUCKS!!) But I don't remember to take it regularly. I thought that moving into the new house would help alleviate the stress...but it really didn't because things just aren't letting up.

My dearly beloved husband thought that it would be the best possible choice to wait until THE VERY LAST DAY of July to move out. The locks would be changed in the morning. The kids and I had been making mini-hauls with our van while Antonio was working...but he didn't rent the U-Haul until the last day.

Can you say STRESSFUL?!!

I cried. A lot.

I ended up going home around 11 pm with the littlest two kiddos to put them to bed...but Antonio and the big kids didn't finish until almost 4 am.

So that DEFINITELY didn't help with my anxiety.

Then I had to get my two oldest kids ready for an out-of-state trip to stay with my parents for a week. And most of our stuff was still packed up!!

Given that I've never been away from my kiddos for that long....let alone have been in a different state than them...it's really got me down. My mom commented a few times (when we met them in KY to give them the big kids) how I wasn't looking good. I explained to her that my head was spinning, I felt weak and just plain out-of-it. Anxiety attacks that just won't stop.

Every day is a battle to conquer anxiety...usually, though, I'm just barely making it through the day in one piece and mostly tear-free.

I take deep breaths and purposely tell myself that I am okay.

This is just a game my brain is playing.

Don't fall for it.

Why am I putting all of this "out there"??

Because maybe it will help somebody.

The way that Danielle helped me.

(thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, Danielle!!!)

Maybe someone will read it and know that they aren't alone.

To know that there is hope out there. That there's light at the end of the tunnel. That they're not crazy. That life will get a whole lot sunnier...the clouds just need to clear. It's okay to ask for help!! It's not a sign of weakness.

I love you.

You hear me??

I LOVE YOU.