Thoughts From a Broken Heart

Today I am sitting quietly on the couch. 

Looking at pictures and videos of my little brother, Ryan.

Ryan died unexpectedly at the age of 26...over 3 years ago.

I am not going to go into the details surrounding his death....it was completely and totally tragic, as was how our family found out.

I feel like I can't mourn properly. I never did. I can't. I am scared to let myself go that completely. Because it is going to take me down a very dark and scary road.

So I just try to paste a smile to my face and pretend that he's just at work. Just hasn't sent me any texts lately, asking if I found any hot girls for him.

I was so incredibly angry...and a part of me still is, I think...that the last time I was supposed to see him, to introduce him to his newest nephew, Levi, that he cancelled on me. He and his girlfriend had just gotten a new apartment and her parents were coming over to see it.

WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN THAT DAY?! I had driven all the way up from Atlanta to NE Ohio with 4 kids, including a screaming newborn....and her family was so fricking important?!! In the end, he NEVER got to meet Levi!!!!!!

Why did we always live like that? Like there was always tomorrow.

Well, you know what? There's not.

Tomorrow doesn't always come.

Tomorrow you may get the phone call that you can never erase out of your mind. The phone call that breaks your heart forever. The one that leaves you screaming on the kitchen floor, begging for God to just take you because there is no way you can handle deep of pain.

That pain never goes away. It's not getting more bearable. Time does NOT heal all wounds. Unless I pretend. Pretend that he's not gone.

And that's how I live.

In denial.

Every. Single. Day.

Until I see his pictures. Hear his voice on a video. See his beautiful smile. Or he comes to me in a dream.

And then my world comes crashing down all around me and leaves me in a huddled mass, crying hysterically.

I miss you, Ryan. More than anyone knows. My heart will never be whole again.

Ryan meeting baby Austin