Change of Plans

In my last post, I explained how I was going to be spending six months living alone. I had an entire plan laid out dedicated to what I felt that my journey was going to entail in terms of healing and learning to live alone.

However, after a month of living separately, Jeff and I sat down the other day to discuss our personal healing plans and how they played into the big picture of both our individual lives and our life together.

And we came to the conclusion that we are facing some issues (both personal and relationship-wise) that are bigger than we initially assessed. And it will require teamwork to conquer them...or at least makes it easier to conquer as a team than alone. Two of the largest issues we are dealing with right now, and I am specifically naming them here because there may be references to these issues in future posts, are Jeff's mental illness and his alcoholism and the problems that arise from those two things. I feel that, due to his specific circumstances, he needs a full time support partner. There are more than just those two things...and they are not all coming from Jeff...I am also dealing with ptsd/trauma responses of the abuse from my childhood, some of my past relationships and my almost 20 year marriage. I realize that I have a problem with being hyper-independent and very quick to cut bait and run when things get rocky. Fight or flight, baby!

We also talked about how we each, during our time alone, realized is just how much we love each other and want to be together. That there were things about each other that we thought were annoying and didn't want to deal with....but once we faced the prospect of not being together, we realized that we actually missed many of those things.

In my situation (because I cannot speak for him), I realized that life is so short and fleeting. And takes unexpected turns. I have lost too many people without realizing that the last time I saw them was the last time I would ever see them. I want to spend every moment that I can with him. If something were to happen to him, I don't want him to be living elsewhere. This is his home. I am his home and he is mine. I want to be in his corner helping him fight his demons...as long as that is what he wants to do and I have strong healthy boundaries in place. I do realize that you cannot make someone change...they have to want to do that for themselves.

Life requires flexibility and the willingness to change when the situation calls for it. I don't feel that I am sacrificing my boundaries....I am just looking at the reality of the situation and understand that I can still protect myself while loving my partner. This is a learning process for me, as I have never really placed boundaries up in my life. And, no coincidence, my life has always been filled with people who loved the fact that I didn't know how to make, and enforce, boundaries. I need to learn the delicate balance of enforcing boundaries (protecting myself) and still being sensitive to other people's special needs. 

The month that we spent apart was not for nothing. We now have a much better grip on specifics that need to be worked on. We have had a taste of what life could be like without each other and that has changed how we communicate with each other, making us each more willing to listen to the other person's side. I truly believe that Jeff and I are meant to spend the rest of our lives together and I am willing to work with him on making that happen...while ensuring we are both thriving.